The Voice of Miscarriage {Guest Post}

October 30, 2015Amber 1 Comment

Approximately 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, chances are you or someone you know was affected. Today, Erin is sharing her voice on this sensitive subject in honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month.

If you were to ask me how many children I have, I would likely say that we have four: a three year old, an eight month old and that I have two bonus kids who are 11 and 14. What I wouldn’t say, and what you wouldn’t know is that I really have seven children. I have four here with me, and three angels in Heaven. One might wonder, why I didn’t mention the other three. If I did, I would force you to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation. You see, I had the unfortunate experience of having a miscarriage, not once, not twice, but three times. I lost three children. If I told you, you might say the wrong thing, or nothing at all. You might inadvertently discount my feelings or the experience itself. You might do these things because you “don’t know anyone that has experienced this.” The truth is, it is almost impossible that you don’t. Chances are you know someone who has experienced the loss of their unborn child. Your friend, your neighbor, a family member, perhaps even your own mother. Miscarriage is much more common than one would think. The problem is, few people talk about it and few people know how to support those experiencing it.

Sometimes even those closest to us, such as our spouses don’t know what to say or do. They don’t understand why we are still crying weeks or months later. Why our voice cracks at the mention of it…sometimes even years later. For men, sometimes they just don’t establish a true bond until they can feel the baby, see the baby and sometimes not until after birth. For them it is different. With that, husbands, boyfriends, wives or girlfriends….please offer support to your significant other. Just because you haven’t yet bonded, doesn’t mean that it is any less real. Understand that it is a death. There will be crying, grieving, a lot of questioning as to why this has happened, anger, dwelling…the list goes on. Ask how your significant other is feeling, both emotionally and physically. If she is questioning when you can try again, be open to discussion. That alone can give some women hope that one day they will be a mom. If your spouse can’t even approach the topic of another try, that’s okay. Revisit later. Be whatever she needs you to be. Realize that they may change from moment to moment, day to day. Whatever you do, remember that this is excruciating, heartbreaking and can take a huge toll on both the emotions and body of a woman. Be present.

It can be extremely difficult for others to understand the pain of this experience. I feel compelled to explain this for anyone who has ever found themselves saying the wrong thing, or not being there for someone. For those that one day will be in a position to say something and not know what to say or do. For anyone who has ever experienced this and felt alone in the darkness.

By sharing my experience, I hope somehow it may bring someone comfort knowing that they are not alone, other women have been there, felt the same darkness, the same disparity, and the same gut wrenching pain that goes beyond the loss itself. After miscarriage, you find yourself sad about what might have been. You feel like a horrible friend when you realize that you are bordering on angry when a friend or relative announces a pregnancy, or has a baby. You get angry when someone complains about their baby crying too much or waking too much, or stretch marks, discomfort in pregnancy and so on….all the things that you would give ANYTHING in the world to experience…because it would mean that your baby is alive. It causes one to be terrified the next time that they become pregnant. You constantly scrutinize every little thing in your body…what was that pain, I didn’t feel the baby in the last hour, it’s taking them a long time to find the tiny little bean during that first ultrasound, taking too long to find the tiny heartbeat on the doppler…thoroughly inspecting the toilet paper looking for the tiniest speck of blood, checking for a heartbeat at home multiple times a day just to make sure the baby is still alive….the list goes on and on. It really can wreak havoc on someone, not just in the weeks after, but for months and years potentially. Miscarriage steals the ability be in ignorant bliss during subsequent pregnancies…it can tarnish the happiness one should and would be feeling, because the anxiety and fear take over. It can even cause postpartum anxiety and fear. Miscarriage is real. The loss is real, no matter how early on it occurs. As a mother, the minute we learn that we are pregnant, no matter how early…we are that baby’s mother, they are our child and our love for them runs deeper than any other love could. We are attached emotionally and physically immediately. We mourn the loss, we grieve, it is a death, a life taken too soon, a life that will never be, a dream that will never be realized and fulfilled…

For friends and family of those going through this, or who have…I hope this guides you to a place of better understanding. To a place that will allow you to be there and be of great support to those in your life that have experienced this tragic loss. For all of you have experienced this loss, you are not alone. Know that there is hope. While it is sometimes very difficult to find hope, keep the faith and move forward. There were times that I thought I would never be a mom. After three consecutive miscarriages and after finding out that I had a genetic blood clotting mutation, I went on to have two healthy and happy little boys. It took some work to keep these boys safe until it was time to meet the world, but my dream has been realized. My heart is full and while the sadness surrounding the loss of those three angels will never disappear, the void has become smaller and I know that they are watching over us and one day, we will be together again.

Erin is a work from home mom. She is a Corporate Recruiter by day and a mommy by day and night. She has two boys, Kieran (3 years), Kohen (8 months), and two bonus children, Abby (14 years) and Keegan (11). In her spare time she enjoys spending time with family, her Great Dane – Izzie, and crafting when she can find the time.

Tips for Helping a Friend After Miscarriage

The Gifts of Infertility & Miscarriage

Reflecting on Miscarriage

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day: October 15

Water Table & Sidewalk Chalk {Summer Bucket List}

August 5, 2015August 5, 2015Amber 1 Comment

Between Texas heat and potty training quadruplets, my sanity is questionable most days. One lifesaver has been water play. Our Little Tikes water table and iconic pink NICU bathtubs have been well used this summer. I try to introduce novel items with water play to keep it engaging. If I’m dressing four kids in swimsuits and setting up water, it has to last at least an hour, preferably longer.

1. Little People Bath Station

I was inspired by My Nearest and Dearest to set up a Little People water park and bath station on the front porch. I gave each of the kids a tub filled with water, a mini bottle of baby wash, a wash cloth, and a few Little People dolls. They spent the entire morning scrubbing dolls and squirting soap. Lots of clean fun!

2. Dish Washing Station

I borrowed this idea from a neighbor because it was brilliant. I gave each child tub of water, a stack of play dishes, a scrub brush (I found super cute ones with animal handles at the Dollar Tree), and a Softsoap bottle filled with a little bubble bath and water. They got busy washing their dishes, and then scrubbing the patio before they jumped into the tubs themselves. It’s hard to imagine they used to take a bath in these tubs and can barely fit inside now.

As the quads splashed around, my tootsies enjoyed a Mary Kay foot soak followed by energizing mint lotion. I was in a foul mood that day thanks to countless potty accidents paired with many tantrums. My little Mom foot spa worked amazingly at changing my demeanor. I felt rejuvenated and the kids behavior seemed drastically better when I felt better.

Then….

Bath time in the NICU. Rylin is on the left and Harper the right.

And now…

3. Condiment Bottle Squirters

Another day, I set up shop on the front porch. I situated myself on an angle so I could supervise water play on the porch and sidewalk chalk drawings on the driveway. For water play, I used the NICU tubs and Softsoap bottles with bubbles, but also gave each of the quads an assortment of empty condiment bottles filled with colored water to mix. I enjoyed another foot soak, this time whilst sipping fresh lemonade. From time to time, the kids would give me a little foot treatment by pouring bubbles over my calves, which was sweet. When we were finished playing we dumped the water tubs over the sidewalk chalk art to clean the driveway.

I love knocking out two bucket list items all at once! Stay tuned as we wrap up the bucket list.

~~Movies~~
Sea Life Aquarium
Train ride
~~Fire station tour~~
~~Library story time~~
~~Sprayground~~
Zoo
~~Bahama Buck’s~~
~~Frozen yogurt~~
~~Community pool~~
Grill dinner outside
~~Water Table~~
~~Inflatable Pool~~
Sprinklers
~~Ice Cream~~
Indoor playgrounds
~~Lee’s Grilled Cheese~~
~~Blow bubbles~~
~~Chalk drawings~~
~~Board games~~
Play dates
Summer Reading Club
~~Dance classes~~
~~Fireworks~~
~~Sleep over with grandparents~~
Nature Walks
Bounce house
~~Popsicles~~
~~S’mores~~
~~Sparklers~~
~~Water pistol duels~~

hugs,

Amber

PS- If you can’t get enough of Four to Adore, don’t forget to follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest!

Reflecting

October 15, 2012October 15, 2014Amber 20 Comments

Today is October 15th, but I’m sure you knew that already. It may not mean much to the average person, but holds special meaning to families all over the globe as it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7:00 pm, households burn a candle for one hour in their respective time zones. The resulting chain of light will span the globe for 24 hours to honor and remember children who die during pregnancy or shortly after birth as an “International Wave of Light”. Reflecting on the past year, it has been an incredible journey that we never could have imagined.

: 12 months ago, I wrote this:; “Sweet Angel, I will never understand why you only stayed with us for a brief time, but I can tell you this-I did love you and would have done anything I could to protect you. The moment I knew of your existence, I fell in love with you and when I saw your tiny heartbeat, my heart melted. I did everything I could for your well-being. I know that you didn’t leave because of anything I did, or did not do, but I want you to know I did everything I could for you. I got just a little taste of what it is like to become a mother and to want to protect someone with every fiber of my being. It is a feeling like no other to love someone that way and I am happy I got to feel that even for just a moment. Despite all of the emptiness I feel from your loss, I am truly happy you were here. You gave me hope that we will one day have the family we have been dreaming of for so long, and for that I am grateful.”

11 months ago, we traveled to Puerta Vallarta as an escape from our infertility struggles. We saw four beautiful baby sea turtles travel out to the sea and they gave us hope of having a family.

10 months ago, we celebrated Christmas not knowing if we would ever celebrate that special time with children. Apparently the only picture taken was of our nativity. It served as a reminder that we are never alone for He is with us.

9 months ago, we went to our Reproductive Endocrinologist for our fourth and final IUI (after four they consider IUI a fail and recommend moving to IVF). Reminders of the sea turtles were everywhere, giving us a sense of calm and hope.

8 months ago, we went in for our first ultrasound and discovered four healthy heartbeats. Although we were told that one or more may “vanish” or that we should consider a reduction, we knew that all four were meant to be and would be healthy as we remembered the four sea turtles.

7 months ago, we started preparing gender neutral nurseries for four.

6 months ago, we discovered we were having a girl and we named her Rylin Skye.

6 months ago, we found out we were having a boy and we named him Harper Stone.

6 months ago, we learned that we were having another girl and we named her Sydney Raine.

6 months ago, we discovered we were having a second boy and we named him Mason River.

5 months ago, strict bed rest began and I was only allowed bathroom privileges. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who took care of me and friends who kept me company.

4 months ago, I was still on bed rest for my baby shower. I cheated a bit and moved from bed to the sofa for a few hours.

3 months ago, we made it to 30 weeks, 5 days of a quadruplet pregnancy. On July 20th, forty little fingers and forty little toes entered our lives. As an aside, I didn’t actually count a single finger or toe until several weeks after the babies were born. Fingers and toes just didn’t seem very important in the scheme of things.

2 months ago, our four were in the NICU growing and getting strong enough to come home. At four weeks old, they were able to take their first picture together.

1 month ago, all four babies came home within a week’s time. Our home was finally filled with the family we dreamed of.: Today I know what it is like to hold four healthy babies in my arms at the same time. After the years of struggle, I do not take them for granted.

Tonight, we will light this candle for an hour in memory and honor of our first as we will do every year.

http://www.october15th.com/

We will never fully understand why our first baby was with us for such a brief time nor will we know why we are now blessed with not one, but four healthy babies. We know that He has great plans for us and is always with us no matter the tears or triumphs. We are on now the most incredible journey of raising quadruplets and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

in peace,

Amber

Mile Marker 28

July 1, 2012December 8, 2014Amber 13 Comments

We made it to week 28!!!! This is a HUGE milestone for us as the survival rate for the babies jumps up to 95% and the risks of long term disabilities drops dramatically. Of course we don’t really want the babies coming this week, but at least they have good chances if they did. I may not love being on house arrest, but I am really fortunate to still be home at this point. I love having my fur babies at my side all day and friends dropping by at home. Though I must admit, each day is a challenge for me. The discomforts increase each day and contractions are more common these days. It pained me to do it, but I had to take Tylenol in order to rest last night. I have had intermittent rib pain on the right the entire time (now exacerbated by Mason’s cute little feet), but it started on the left last night. I finally had to cry “uncle” and just had to down some Tylenol. I did actually sleep from 3:00-6:45 because of it.

I know each day the babies simmer is better for them, but my body is starting to rebel. Each day I put my big girl pants on (figuratively and literally) to make it another day because each day is a victory. Your prayers and positive thoughts have helped us make it here so please keep it up. As I become increasingly large and uncomfortable, my patience is thinning. So, perhaps pray that I remain calm and patient.

Hugs,

Amber

Pray, Pray, Pray!

June 5, 2012December 8, 2014Amber 16 Comments

We had our weekly visit with Dr. Tabor today. That meant I fixed my hair, wore a “cute outfit”, and put on more make up than I have been. I have to admit, seeing the sunshine during the car ride was nice. Sometimes it is the simple things…

My vitals were all good and there were no signs of dilation. Also, my contractions have become fewer and further between, which is also good. George noticed that I always had contractions in the evening after taking my calcium supplement so I started taking it earlier in the day and spreading out the dosage. We mentioned this to Dr. Tabor who said we might be onto something since they use magnesium as a calcium blocker to stop premature contractions. Good observation, George!

After our last appointment, we knew we’d have to keep a close eye on tiny Sydney, but we didn’t know how much. Today she didn’t get the best report card. Her amniotic fluid levels are slightly low, which is causing some pressure on her umbilical cord and a lower heart rate than her siblings. What bothers me is that there isn’t really a treatment for this, just careful watching (and praying). I read that hydration can help so I will force some more fluids down even though I already drink a ton of water (George is excellent about keeping track of my water consumption and reprimanding me if I get behind). Extra fluids can’t hurt.

Dr. Tabor will continue to watch Sydney very closely to make sure conditions do not decline. If they do, all of the babies will have to be delivered much earlier than we would like. Of course with quads we have always known they would be premature, but ideally they would be delivered at 30-34 weeks. We are at 24 weeks now, which is the first point of viability. Babies born at 24 weeks have about a 50% chance of survival and the NICU could help their odds. While viability is a milestone, we do NOT want our babies arriving now. At 26 weeks, the survival rate jumps up to 80%, which is better but not great. However, babies born after 28 weeks have a 95% survival rate. Dr. Tabor said he would feel comfortable if we could make it to 28 weeks at least. This is all very scary still.

I am doing my best not to worry too much and remember the positives:

1. Rylin, Mason, and Harper are all doing well

2. my vitals continue to be good

3. while Sydney’s heart rate is lower than her siblings, it is still 140 bpm and that is within the normal range (the other three are at about 150 bpm)

4. Dr. Tabor said that Sydney is very active, which is a great sign

5. Dr. Tabor said he is not terribly concerned, he is just watching carefully. I know that if he were very concerned he would have admitted me today rather than making an appointment for next week. I trust him and know that he knows what is best for the babies.

Since prayer is one of the only treatments we have, please pray that Sydney’s conditions are stable and we do not need to deliver prior to 28 weeks. Also, pray that I stay calm! I do not need to work myself up about this. This may mean I will be taking LOTS more baths!

hugs,

Amber

http://www.marchofdimes.com/baby/premature_indepth.html

24 weeks, 2 days

House Arrest

May 29, 2012August 13, 2014Amber 17 Comments

Today started off with a bang! I spotted a very tiny bit this morning, which was slightly alarming. While George wasn’t concerned, I called Dr. Tabor to check in about it. He said, “Go to maternal observation at the hospital immediately”. Dr. Tabor doesn’t get worked up about things so if he says “don’t worry”, I don’t. However, the words “hospital immediately” are generally cause for concern. So George and I threw a “go bag” together and headed out to the hospital. We decided that since it was now our second run to the hospital we should have a better plan for the “go bag”, and make sure both cars always have gas (once again, George had the van in the red).

We went through all the check in business at hospital and they had me in a gown and hooked up to the Toco monitor like before. I wasn’t having contractions, which was great news. My cervix was also fine and we got a peek at the babies who were all happy as clams. YEAH! Dr. Bleich noticed that Rylin’s placenta is just barely touching the cervix so that could have been the cause of the spotting. However, because of this scare, my bed rest just got significantly more strict. I am to stay either in bed or on the couch for the day unless I need to go to the restroom or shower. No getting up to grab snacks in the kitchen, going in the nurseries, and definitely no trips to Target even with a power chair. George did his best to set up a good post in our bedroom in an effort to make it easy for me. He brought my office fridge and microwave beside my bed so snacks are about three feet away. I also have my laptop, i pad, books, notes, and credit card (for online shopping of course) on my bedside table. It’s not a bad set up by any means. I can do this! My goal is to stay out of the hospital as long as possible and of course keep from delivering before 30 weeks. (Pray for that please).

Hugs!

Amber

23 weeks, 2 days

Emotional much?

May 11, 2012December 8, 2014Amber 13 Comments

It is official, my hormones are in overdrive and I am an emotional roller coaster these days. Here’s how the past two days have gone for me:

Yesterday we had our 20 week check up and it was GREAT!!! Again, the babies are all the right size with good fluids. Of course Rylin has not yet decided to head further north, but it’s okay. I’m thinking she got a bit of the stubborn gene. My vitals were also good. I managed to hold off on another week of bed rest. I left feeling very confident.

About 9:30 last night, less than four hours from my appointment, I started having Braxton Hicks contractions. They weren’t painful, but my stomach was absolutely tightening. This of course made me feel anxious and not so great. I phoned a few friends and then decided to call the on-call doctor. She said to drink water/ lay on my left side and if the continued for 30 more minutes to head to the hospital. UGH! She also thought my anxiety might be making them worse so I opted for a warm bath. It helped, the contractions stopped and I was able to get to bed. Okay, disaster averted.

This morning started off as usual with the rush hour nightmare that is my commute, but there was also a wreck where two highways merge so it was completely gridlocked. I knew better than to get on the highway when I saw the sea of red taillights so I opted to stay on the service road and take some back roads. The only problem was I wasn’t the only one with this brilliant idea. The stop and go of the commute made me queasy so I felt rotten by the time I got into the building (I possibly had a green tinge to my face too). What should have taken about 25 minutes took well over an hour. I immediately headed to the school nurse (she was a high-risk OB nurse before coming to the school system) to ask her about how to correctly monitor contractions and what to look for. She immediately noticed I felt bad and naturally inquired. Of course, this set me off into a crying spell for no apparent reason. Sweet Nurse Patty sent me to my office with a blanket and literally made me rest on my side eating ice chips to calm me and settle my stomach. However, throughout the day when certain people would stop in or I would start talking about something (not sad), tears would start flowing for no reason. But, the good news is that I did survive the day and managed to finish a report!

This picture really doesn’t fully capture the gridlock fun I experienced, but it’s an idea. ARGH!!!!

This evening when I got home, George was very thoughtful and made Chex mix for me. That was the perfect way to wrap up an overly emotional day for me! However, as he was making the Chex mix, I decided to catch up with my emails and blog reading. Of course, someone posted a You Tube video about a man who was a disabled veteran who was told he could never walk again. As I watched videos of him learning to walk again and then practice yoga, tears streamed down my cheeks! However, as I bawled, I simultaneously laughed at myself! I knew it was silly, but could not stop either. It is like a lucid dream, so weird. I managed to get it together and enjoy watching some Big Bang Theory with George as I stuffed my face with Chex Mix.

He has the keys to my heart!

George is so smart…he suggested that I head to work extra early to beat rush hour and leave early to get home before rush hour hits again. Why didn’t I think of that??? So, here’s to a better day tomorrow perhaps with less gridlock. Just maybe…I’ll be able to control my emotions.

hugs!

Amber

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!!

March 27, 2012August 13, 2014Amber 5 Comments

While George and I have known we are expecting quads for over seven weeks, last week was the time we told all of our extended family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers. It has been an amazing week sharing the news. I only wish I had a camera to capture all the facial expressions. Better yet, video footage. It would be a hysterical you tube montage! Reactions ranged from excitement, amazement, shock, and I think even some fear. My favorite reaction was when a co-worker hugged me because she could see I am expecting, but literally jumped back three feet when she heard it was four. It was almost as if having quads were contagious. One principal squealed in delight. It was priceless.

The funniest thing was what my boss did. I told him the day before we went on spring break, but waited until after spring break to tell everyone else. He asked if it was a secret and I said “no”. I was thinking he might mention it to our secretaries or other people in the administration office. However, I did not expect the “Welcome Back” email he sent to our department the Monday we returned. The memo read:

“Good Morning!

Hope everyone got in some good relaxation time last week. It’s been a busy spring break for some, however.

Amber told be Friday before the break that she is expecting and I’m sure she spent time getting ready.

Danny had a baby girl Friday. Her name is “Zoey Elizabeth.” Mom and baby are fine.

Amber is pregnant.

Claire emailed me Friday to say her doctor scheduled her delivery for today. No distress but thought it wise to do.

Amber is expecting.

So, I hope all is well with you. We’re very happy for Danny and Claire.

And I should mention Amber is expecting a fourth time, since they are quadruplets!”

When I read the memo, I literally wanted to crawl under my desk. I’m not a person who feels comfortable in the spotlight and this certainly was like putting a high-powered spotlight on me. I didn’t get much work done that day because my phone exploded with calls and texts, and my email kept pinging. Most people said when they read the memo they thought our boss had really lost it this time and forgot what he typed. Too funny! I also got quite a few office visitors that day, as my office mate kept sending people in saying I needed to meet with them. When our assistant principal came in he was panicked that something crazy happened with a student. He seemed relieved to find out it was just news that I am expecting quads (no big deal ya’ know).

It has been fun sharing this news with everyone, but I have really appreciated the warm, supportive response we have received. Everyone seems to share our joy and many people have offered to help in some way or another. I think I should start taking names of volunteers now….just in case they forget. So far I have baby rockers, feeders, launderers, cooks, and housekeepers- not bad!

One of my schools has already organized a shower as well. They are all so sweet and excited about being a school where there are quads on the way.

hugs!

Amber

Sometimes God whispers, but you have to pay attention

March 23, 2012August 13, 2014Amber 13 Comments

Let’s rewind a little more….there is a reason I can manage to stay calm about having quads (at least most of the time!)

November 22, 2011

Our miscarriage proved to be much more emotionally painful and difficult than I ever anticipated, and it happened right before the holiday season. George and I decided to take a trip to Mexico over Thanksgiving week as a means of reconnecting and leaving some of our pains behind. We wanted to find a “last minute deal” (by the way….I’m not sure if those actually exist) so we didn’t book until about a week prior to the trip. I thought I found a wonderful hotel on the beach, but it didn’t quite live up to our expectations. I’ll say it was a little more “authentic” than the other hotels we visited in Mexico before. We learned that the water in our room was “non-potable”, the food was comparable to a school cafeteria at best, our sheets were made of some sort of weird rubber that was not cozy, and the building was made of some sort of concrete that funneled noise from the stairs to our room. Needless to say night one was rough and we didn’t sleep much. That night I remember praying to get through the tumultuous journey of infertility and for health and happiness.

We awoke apprehension about traveling over the Thanksgiving holiday. Should we have stayed home? Had we made a mistake? Nonetheless, we slathered ourselves in spf 50, got dressed, and headed out to take on the day all by 7:30 am. We had been to Puerto Vallarta in the prior year with George’s company so we went on a mission to walk down the beach several miles to where we stayed before. As much as I tried to avoid it, thoughts of infertility crept into my head as we walked along the beautiful coastline nestled between the mountains.

Then something amazing unfolded right in front of us. A group of four baby sea turtles was making their journey from their safe dry sandy nest to the sea. I have been to the beach many times during my life, but never in November, which is the time when sea turtles make this journey. Mother sea turtles spend their days in the ocean until nesting season when they take a huge risk to come inland to nest. Going inland is difficult for them as their bodies are built for ocean living not land. The mothers generally return to their own birthplace where they take time to find the right spot to lay their precious clutch. Once the baby turtles hatch, they instinctively crawl towards the water where they will spend their lives until they return to nest. Baby sea turtles are about the size of a small orange and stand out with their dark bodies along the sand so they are easy prey particularly for birds and lizards. We watched these babies trek through the sand for about 15 minutes and all four made it!

At that moment, I got an overwhelming, unexplainable feeling of calm that everything in my infertility world would eventually be okay. It was as if God was whispering a message directly into my ear. If a mother sea turtle can take the risk to nest and eventually her babies could make that trip, I knew that someday I will have babies that would survive like that too. It was a beautiful experience and I am grateful for it. I will think of these little guys when life gets tough; they never give up, they keep surviving. Here is one of the four making it to the water-

PS- A friend of mine later told me that sea turtles are a symbol of motherhood and fertility. Coincidence? I think not. Also, at the time, I didn’t think much of there being FOUR sea turtles, but now I look back at that moment as a sign that we were meant to have four.

Interestingly, the morning of the IUI, George and I were the only ones in the RE’s waiting room since it was New Year’s Day. The TV was on, but there was no sound. George looked at the screen and nonchalantly pointed out that there was a special about sea turtles on the screen. It reduced my pre-IUI anxiety tremendously because I thought of those little sea turtles on the beach. On our way home from the IUI, George and I stopped by the video store to rent a movie. In the new releases section was a documentary on sea turtles. These sea turtles seem to be constantly there as a reminder that it will be okay. I never in my wildest dreams imagined having quads, but I do believe we are going to be okay.

Rewind

March 23, 2012August 13, 2014Amber 7 Comments

Okay….I am a bit behind on starting this blog since we are already almost 14 weeks along. I’m going to start out by rewinding a bit to where this all began.

January 16, 2012

The horrible, treacherous 2 week wait technically ended for me this past Sunday, but my beta (blood test done by the doctor to determine how much, if any pregnancy hormone is present) was yesterday. I did exceptionally well until about 10 days past IUI when I started to feel pregnant and my mind started going down all the rabbit trails. I held off on a home test until Sunday because I figured by then I’d get an accurate result. I debated about whether to go with the digital test (less sensitive, but easier to read) or the pink lines test (more sensitive, but dodgy to read). I was terrified to test because it would either make or break my day. I woke up early (mind you, it was still dark outside and it was Sunday) and snuck into the bathroom to test. I opted for the digital test. I figured I was or I wasn’t so pink line confusion wasn’t in the cards. To my delight I got a beautiful “pregnant” on the screen. I wanted to scream!!!! However, I didn’t want to wake George just yet. Instead, I put the stick on the counter by his sink and crept back into bed. He didn’t wake up for another hour or two. When he finally stumbled out of bed, I watched him fumble around in the bathroom and glance at the stick before heading into the water closet. After he was done in there, he came back to the sink and did a double take. He said something like, “Is this what I think it is????? I thought it was a toothbrush!” The poor guy is practically blind without his contacts so I’m sure he couldn’t read it, but had enough where-with-all to connect the dots. We kept it entirely to ourselves on Sunday and basked in it. I think a little piece of me was still worried the beta would come back negative despite the positive HPT.

Yesterday I had blood drawn in the morning and of course they didn’t call with the results until after hours (thank goodness I already did the HPT!). My poor mom on the other hand spent the day thinking it was bad news and that’s why I didn’t call. I think she panicked! When the nurse finally called, I had to get her to repeat the number twice….1212! (I wasn’t sure it was 12.12 or 1,112) OMG!!!!! For reference…..my last first beta was 119 and they want something over 50. Dr. Elkins said I got a good beta because of the black eyed peas I brought her on the day of the IUI (it was New Year’s Day). George protested it, but I knew that was good idea! Tomorrow I go back for a second beta. The RE said it probably won’t double, but should increase. We shall see.

So as this marks the end of my 2 week wait, I pray that it symbolizes the beginning of many new adventures. Before the New Year, I thought to myself, I hope this year will be the last time we go through all the milestones and holidays in a year without children so we can start celebrating firsts instead.

I don’t think I’ll be relaxed until I have a healthy baby in my arms. In the meantime I’ll remember my new mantra, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of it’s troubles. It empties today of it’s strength.”

January 18, 2012

Yesterday I went in for a second beta. It was 2779! Looks like it did double after all. I had a little panic when I read in my Mayo Clinic book that high betas can mean either multiples or a molar pregnancy (e.g. a big bunch of nothing!). I would be happy with multiples, its the bunch of nothing that is scary. Thankfully, a friend also dealing with infertility reassured me that my betas are nowhere near molar levels. Whew!!!!

It will be another week before the next beta. What I really want is to see an ultrasound though! I considered asking for an early one, but decided not to since it’s too early to see a heartbeat. That might bother me. This is like two week wait part two!!!!! Seriously, it is a FOUR week wait…..excruciating.

January 26, 2012

My third beta was 42,129!!!! The RE said that it was progressing right along.

February 2, 2012

When George and I went to the RE for my first ultrasound I felt pretty confident there was a healthy little bean (or two in there), but was still a little anxious for this first peek. Honestly, I felt confident since the first beta, but those little worries tend to creep up when I least expect them. We had absolutely no idea what surprise lie ahead. As soon as the RE began the ultrasound, I could see three prominent dark circles on the screen, but couldn’t see much else. I worried it was a lot of nothing in there. She started probing and pretty quickly found one baby with a fluttering heartbeat that we could hear! A huge sense of relief came over me. She kept probing a little more and George commented that he saw an empty sac. The RE agreed that one didn’t appear normal and was likely empty. She continued to probe and behold, she found another baby with a fluttering heartbeat we could hear. Okay, there were two viable ones. However, she wasn’t done yet, she probed more. Yep, there was a third little fluttering heartbeat. She was convinced there were triplets and a fourth grainy, empty sac. I thought so too. Yowzers, triplets! I never imagined having more than two! However, the other RE came in and wanted to check things out himself. He began to probe around and quickly found the three from before, but to our surprise, he found a FOURTH baby also with a fluttering heartbeat that we could hear. He said something about finding a little bonus. Um, did he say there were FOUR???? I don’t know what state of shock may have been on our faces, but I’m sure it was there. Both REs also seemed a little surprised and worried about finding a fourth one as well. My numbers this cycle were nearly identical to the prior cycle when there was only one. George crunched a lot of numbers and figured out that the chances of all four follicles producing a mature egg and being fertilized are about one in a million. Maybe we should buy a lotto ticket?

After getting lots of pictures of the little beans, the RE’s left me to get dressed so we could consult in the office. Once I got dressed, I think they left us to simmer in the office for about 15-20 minutes. It seemed like an eternity as our brains raced all over the map. I knew there was a procedure called “multi-fetal reduction”, which is generally recommended when there are high order multiples. The theory is that taking out one or two improves the viability of the others. When the RE returned to his office, George immediately told him that we would not consider a reduction, we were going with the four. How on earth could we consider taking one of these lives away as they were clearly meant to be? The RE talked to us about some things to expect and being referred to a high-risk OB. He also mentioned something about the body possibly “self-reducing” some of the babies. We were digesting quite a lot of information so I don’t think we asked many questions. We made another ultrasound appointment for a week later to check the progress.

When we got home, I only wished I had a ticker box to count the number of times George said “Four.” He must have said it hundreds of times within a matter of a few hours. What an adventure this will be!

For reference regarding beta numbers, check out this link at Beta Base: http://www.betabase.info/showBasicChart.php?type=Triplet